Going For Gusto

Pregnancy after loss: Third trimester – the estate stretch, again

By Joe Grace, today at 6:00 am

Pregnancy after loss: Third trimester – the home stretch, again

This information is my third of three trimester posts during my second pregnancy. For my fellow pregnancy-after-loss parents – current, future and previous – in hopeful solidarity.

It is 2:09 a.m. and my worry is starting to subside, now that I feel assured that the baby in my belly is still alive.

It’s a rough night; some of them are. Some days are. Some are much easier than others. This night is nerve-wracking because this typically fairly energetic baby, that tends to be sensitive to my movement, didn’t rouse as usual when I woke up and rolled to my various other adverse or when got up and had half a glass of water. Suddenly wide awake and worried, I went to the kitchen, grabbed a few handfuls of honey-nut cereal and waited for movement to resume. It did. Then I ate some more cereal, because it’s third trimester and it’s 2 a.m. and that’s exactly what you do, dang it.

This is my snapshot of 29.5 weeks pregnant. I thank my pregnancy-after-loss timetable for letting me know I’m not crazy. Waking up in the middle of the night, anxious to feel the baby kick, worried that something may have actually gone wrong while you slept, apparently is a fairly common thing in a post-loss pregnancy. Earlier in this pregnancy I worried that something would certainly go wrong and it would certainly be my fault; now I get hold of more concerned that something will certainly go wrong and I won’t know it or recognize it until it’s too late.

Bless their hearts, even fairly understanding and sympathetic people don’t always “get” the undercurrent of anxiety in a PAL, and that’s OK. How could they/why ought to they? A few caring people have actually noted, rightly, that the condition that affected Nate (an arteriovenous malformation) wasn’t genetic, and the likelihood of its recurrence is really low. I know that. However it’s not an AVM that I’m concerned about. It’s everything else. It’s cord accidents, and preterm labor, and late-term stillbirth – all points that have actually happened not simply to people I’ve read about However people I know.

Those thoughts linger. However then there are the various other minutes – the joy of feeling vigorous kicks and seeing how this little one responds to voices and, occasionally, getting to see his squirmy profile on an ultrasound. This little guy is such a delight. There are minutes of happiness much better than anything I’ve endured in more than a year-and-a-half. That’s why this trimester is the best, even for its anxieties and physical discomforts. And I finally (usually) feel like the distance to the 40-week mark is manageable.

4 a.m. Still awake. Turned off my 5:15 alarm and scrapped my plans for an extra-early start and a super-productive Saturday. However now, listening to a rising chorus of early birds outside, I am comforted and amused by exactly what I can easily only guess is an elbow or a foot or a knee protruding from my side. Yep, this is my favorite trimester.

If you’re in a pregnancy after loss, or you’re hoping and trying to get hold of there, here’s exactly what I wish for you: patience along with yourself. I wish you a lot of patience along with yourself, and then when that patience starts to unravel, I chance that you will certainly grant yourself a little more.

And if you locate yourself worrying from time to time, it doesn’t mean you’re weak-spirited or faithless or foolish. You’re normal. And you can easily do this. You are doing it. It’s amazing how comforting it can easily be when we remind ourselves of that.

• Christine LaFave Grace works as an editor and writer.

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