Going For Gusto

Pregnancy after loss: Second trimester – is ‘excited’ the right word?

By Christine LaFave Grace, today at 6:45 am

Pregnancy after loss: Second trimester – is 'excited' the right word?

This article is the second of three trimester posts I have actually written during my second pregnancy. Yesterday’s and tomorrow’s posts are from my very first and now third trimesters, respectively. For my fellow pregnancy-after-loss parents – current, future and previous – in hopeful solidarity.

“Are you merely so excited?”

I’ve heard it multiple times since Joe and I announced this pregnancy, from rather sweet people that are rather excited for us. I chance they aren’t offended or thrown too much when my honest response is, “Yeah, sort of. It’s a mix.”

I couldn’t be gladder to be pregnant. It feels like a relief and an incredible gift. Every day pregnant is a good day, much better than any day prior to I got pregnant this time around, and I provide thanks for that every night. However pregnancy, if we’re being honest, has actually its challenges and anxieties in any circumstance. Gratitude doesn’t negate the challenges, and loss can easily amplify the anxieties.

I’ve been here before. There’s no pregnancy milestone I didn’t reach along with our son Nate, that lived for 30 hours after being delivered at 40 weeks, six days, in August 2014. And I don’t like to make assumptions about outcomes – much less so now than ever. I can easily talk about my tentative plans for maternity leave, my theoretical ideas about fall and winter plans and activities along with a baby factored in, etc., However it makes me a little uncomfortable to do so. Because I’ve done it before. And the reality was that I went back to job a month to the day after Nate was born, not 12 weeks later. And I will certainly never forget, when I was still on leave, seeing through our living room window the daycare provider walking up to our mailbox to return our deposit.

So am I excited? Yeah, of course. It’s a hopeful anticipation, and a relief every Monday when I can easily count down an additional week toward my due date. Feeling the baby kick is as awe-inspiring as it was along with Nate. I still won’t walk down the diaper/baby meals aisle at the grocery store, However I’m OK wandering through baby clothes displays, even if I’m usually not inclined to buy anything. I’m hesitant about taking a baby-care class again, However I don’t remember how to swaddle and I could use a refresher on car seat installation. I get hold of teary sometimes imagining holding this baby in the hospital, and I wonder at getting to take your man home, However I don’t linger there for too long, either.

If I don’t display unbridled enthusiasm about this pregnancy – or if I try to adjustment the subject when conversation turns to anything postpartum – then so be it. I’m OK. We’re OK. We’re merely taking it day by day. I’ll have actually more than enough joy to show off, I hope, come September.

• Christine LaFave Grace works as an editor and writer.

PREVIOUS COLUMN: Pregnancy after loss: very first trimester – how it’s different

SUBSCRIBE: Type your email address in the box and click the “produce subscription” button. Spam free, and you can easily opt out at any time.

Filed under: Columns